


Meta: Some thoughts on Vetinari's character.

by DictionaryWrites



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ankh-Morpork, Book: Guards! Guards!, Book: Unseen Academicals, Canon Universe, Character Analysis, Essays, Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 12:10:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17704019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DictionaryWrites/pseuds/DictionaryWrites
Summary: EntitledGod, I am crying over Havelock Vetinari in this Chilli's tonight.on Dreamwidth.Just some analysis on Vetinari's character and the reason he acts the way he does.





	Meta: Some thoughts on Vetinari's character.

**Author's Note:**

> [On Dreamwidth here](https://onthedisc.dreamwidth.org/6565.html), if that's more your thing.

We always talk about  **that scene** in Unseen Academicals, where we just take a moment and die over Vetinari, which I’m gonna get to in a minute, but like… I’ve just finished my reread of _Guards! Guards_! and I was surprised, toward the end, where Vetinari takes Vimes aside and like…

He’s actually surprisingly open about the soul-crushing agony he lives his day-to-day life by, and so is Vimes. This is directly after Vetinari takes Vimes aside, and he gives Vimes a very simple and frank speech about how Vimes is wrong, because he thinks the world is split into good people and bad people: in fact, there are merely bad people, and bad people who are not quite as bad, or just less efficient about the process.

People ultimately do bad things, not necessarily in a big, scheming way, but simply because it’s easy to be bad, and Vimes like… is kinda indignant, and doesn’t like this, and wants to say like, no, you’re wrong, people aren’t bad because it’s _easy_ , they do it because they’re frightened and lonely, or whatever, and he trails off…

 _[Vimes] shrugged. “They’re just people,” he said. “They’re just doing what people do. Sir.”_  
  
_Lord Vetinari gave him a friendly smile._  
  
_“Of course, of course,” he said. “You have to believe that, I appreciate. Otherwise you’d go quite mad. Otherwise you’d think you’re standing on a feather-thin bridge over the vaults of Hell. Otherwise existence would be a dark agony and the only hope would be that there is no life after death. I quite understand.” He looked at his desk, and sighed. “And now,” he said, “there is such a lot to do. I’m afraid poor Wonse was a good servant but an inefficient master. So you may go. Have a good night’s sleep. Oh, and do bring your men in tomorrow. The city must show its gratitude.” “_  
  
_..._  
  
_Vimes paused at the door. “Do you believe all that, sir?” he said. “About the endless evil and the sheer blackness?”_  
_“Indeed, indeed,” said the Patrician, turning over the page. “It is the only logical conclusion.”_  
_“But you get out of bed every morning, sir?”_  
_“Hmm? Yes? What is your point?”_  
_“I’d just like to know why, sir.”_  
_“Oh, do go away, Vimes. There’s a good fellow.”_

****

**_Guards! Guards!_** by  _Terry Pratchett_

Vetinari is not like most people.

We know this – he’s got a supremely keen intellect, he notices and perceives almost everything, and he predicts the workings of the world as if it runs on tracks, because he _lays_ the tracks. He believes, ultimately, in efficiency. This is not because he is a power-hungry man who wants to command the world around him. Vetinari only cares about appearing in control because it makes his work easier. It isn’t about… Disliking people, necessarily, or feeling sadistic toward them.

It’s as simple as duty.

Vimes and Vetinari are both similar characters who parallel one another because they both appeal to a higher sense of duty.

Vimes, who knows he is prejudiced and mean and has a savage streak a mile wide, is so weak for children, is so weak for the powerless and the vulnerable, is so weak in the face of people who are aching in the wake of the unjust: he _knows_ he’s bigoted, and he _knows_ he’s insensitive, but he ALSO knows that… He has to be better than that. He _has_ to be.

Because these are still people he’s dealing with, and he couldn’t sleep at night if he was a cruel man, if he was a callous man. This is what makes Vimes so susceptible to the bottle – he feels so deeply he can’t _stand_ it, and for a long time, whenever he feels himself caring, he drinks.

And then he realizes, no, he can’t do _that_ anymore either – it’s harder to live like this, so much harder he can barely stand it, but he has to be better than that.

And back to Vetinari. Vetinari, who looks out of his window in the Oblong Office, out over the city. Vetinari, who outwardly just seems to have no especial emotion, who constantly has this mask on, and when he _does_ show something, like a smirk or a raised eyebrow, you quake in your boots because you think it means he might kill you.

 _Ankh-Morpork! Brawling city of a hundred thousand souls!  And, as the Patrician privately observed, ten times that number of actual people. (_ also _**Guards! Guards**!)_

It would be _easy_ for Vetinari to kinda go, oh, the world is dark and horrible and people are bad, therefore, I won’t care, and I’ll just do whatever I want. It would be supremely easy. His fellow students at the Assassins’ Guild pretty much do that for a living – they live in comfort, they do their work, and they enjoy it.

But here, we have a man who thinks that 1/10 people is actually _worth_ the weight of a soul (and honestly, that’s a very liberal estimation, considering the people he meets in his life), who thinks that a bare fraction of his population is worthy of anything, and what does he do? He devotes all his waking hours (of which there are an unusual amount, because he barely lets himself sleep) to knowing everything about everyone, and making sure things run as efficiently as possible. He doesn’t want to cause unnecessary pain, but in the event it _is_ necessary, he will cause it; he holds up all these guilds, and to make sure that they don’t try to expand Ankh-Morpork outward, and do all those horrible things that go along with a war, he keeps the guilds pitted against one another in subtle ways; he thinks about the things that will be _best_ for the majority, and he makes them come about.

Vetinari was not raised by his parents. His father died, apparently, because he wasn’t _careful_ enough, because he didn’t pay enough attention.

So here we have this, from UU.

_The Patrician took a sip of his beer. ‘I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged on to a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that’s when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.’_

_The two wizards exchanged a glance. Vetinari was staring into the depths of his beer mug and they were glad that they did not know what he saw in there._

**_Unseen Academicals_** _,_ by _Terry Pratchett_

So this is as a _young boy_.

This is, potentially, one of Vetinari’s first formative moments, one of the things that he really remembers, that stands out to him as one of the things that made him who he was then, and who he is now, and the _funniest_ thing is that he says **it is up to all of us**.

Vetinari, who believes that _everyone_ should be trying. He knows it is hard, he knows it is agonising, but everyone should be trying…

And he knows that most people don’t.

Most people don’t even weigh up to a soul in his estimation. And he keeps going anywhere.

And what did Vetinari see as a young man? Vetinari, doing his aunt’s bidding, helping her sort out her revolution, because Bobbi _also_ cares about people – she cares about women and she cares about the oppressed and she cares about ugly, nasty street cats that no one else wants to look twice at (Ankh-Morpork in feline form, anybody?), and so she goes through all this business, she _does_ it…

And she gets Snapcase for her troubles. That’s what they get. All those deaths, all those people sacrificing themselves in some foolish revolution: they get Snapcase. It wasn’t all for nothing – it was all for _less_ than nothing.

And so that young Vetinari, this _young_ man, who goes through his days trying to be the best he can and ignoring all this nonsense about procedure and rules because it doesn’t mean anything yet, who sees this older man in the watch, a guy with a head on his shoulders, a guy who _cares_ , and _thinks_ , and he seems to have this knowledge of the world around him that he USES, perceptive and sharp-witted and motivated by his care for other people, and he dies for no fucking reason.

So Havelock Vetinari puts a sprig of flowers in his mouth, and he joins the fray.

Vetinari _cares_.

He doesn’t look like he cares. I don’t think he lets himself _think_ about how much he cares. He tries his best not to. And he works for 22 hours a day, and the 30 minutes he takes to do his crossword and walk his dog are exactly the things that the city mocks him for, because as much as they _say_ they find him frightening, and as much as they _hate_ how inhuman he is and say that he must be a vampire, and all this…

Well, no one wants to see him be _soft_ , either. It isn’t just about him maintaining his iron control – they don’t want to think about him being a _person_ , and we see that repeatedly in Vetinari’s case.

Whenever someone is faced by the fact of Vetinari being a person, the vast majority of people freeze for a minute, and then rapidly go off to do something else. The wizards in UU DESPERATELY changed the subject after Vetinari came out with that; people freeze and stare and then pretend it didn’t happen; and Vimes didn’t.

Vimes said, “But why do you get out of bed in the morning?” which, for Vimes, like, is such a _big_ show of care, because he isn’t good at feelings, he isn’t good at dwelling on those moments of emotion, and he does get better, but it’s hard for him because he cares so deeply… And Vetinari tells him to go away, because he doesn’t have the time to care about his own feelings. He has work to do.

Vetinari actually like… Also just pays a lot of attention to what makes people feel good? And you wouldn’t expect that of him, but he really does. He asks after Young Sam and he asks after people’s wives and their children; he calls Miss Drapes “Mr Bent’s young lady” because he _knows_ it will make her feel good; he mentions to Drumknott that he notices his boots have stopped creaking, and he fucking sits down with Margolotta and talks about how he’s actually _considered_ the fact that his stationery-obsessed, workaholic personal clerk probably _should_ settle down one day and find a wife for himself.

And isn’t _that_ funny?

Havelock Vetinari, who doesn’t have relationships with anybody. Oh, he has… _relationships_ , yes, but he doesn’t have relationships. I don’t think he really has _friends_ , except maybe Sybil (who we know calls him Havelock and writes to him), but Sybil is like that with everybody. He has this… _relationship_ with Margolotta. He has Aunt Bobbi, but she lives all the way out in Pseudopolis. And then he has the likes of Vimes and he has his feud with the woman that makes the crosswords, and he has playful (on his part) rivalries with guild leaders, but…

You know, he stands alone, except for his dog.

And yet he still asks after all these relationships, still politely asks after these things or puts out the sort of casual, polite nicety that actually makes people _smile_ , even though it comes from _him_.

I actually think one of the most revealing things about Vetinari in UU _isn’t_ any of his drunken confessions, but something really small. When Glenda Sugarbean comes up to his office, she looks at his desk.

_The room of the average wizard was so stuffed with miscellaneous things that the walls were invisible. Here, even the desk was clear, apart from a pot of quill pens, an inkwell, an open copy of the Ankh-Morpork Times and–her eye stayed fixed on this one, unable to draw itself away–a mug with the slogan ‘To the world’s Greatest Boss’. It was so out of place it might have been an intrusion from another universe._

**_Unseen Academicals_** _,_ by _Terry Pratchett_

I want to mention something about Vetinari that I think sets him apart from a lot of his compatriots from the Assassins’ Guild, and indeed, from any of the other lords and ladies in Ankh-Morpork. It’s actually something he kinda shares in common with Sybil and Vimes, and it’s the fact that like…

He doesn’t let himself _have_ things.

If you go into the Oblong Office, or if you go into his bedroom, you don’t see any like, possessions. You don’t see any iconographs or knick-knacks; you don’t see any books of puzzles; you don’t see any general books. He doesn’t wear fine clothes – he wears a dusty old robe. His boots are very fine, but that’s a matter of the essential rather than pleasure. He doesn’t wear jewellery or nice cufflinks; he doesn’t have especially comfortable furniture or a soft, plush bed. Outside of what we see in UU, we don’t really see him _eat_ much, and he certainly almost never drinks.

He’s comfortable down in the cells in his palace because honestly, living like that is not _especially_ different to how he lives the rest of the time, because he’s an ascetic. And I think part of the reason he does that is so that he isn’t _tempted_ by anything, but I feel like, equally, there’s a vague sense of guilt attached.

He only seems to do the crossword and the Disc’s answer to the sudoku once they appear in the _Times_ – effectively, the _Times_ is part of his schedule anyway, and it’s only five minutes or so to do both, and they keep his mind sharp anyway, so he does them. I think that Vetinari probably had to jump through quite a few mental hoops to _justify_ letting himself take a few minutes to enjoy doing a damned puzzle.

Can you imagine that?

See, that’s something I don’t think people realize about Vetinari – he’s a priest. He’s not the priest to any god, no (although that bit about being God’s moral superior is a pretty big Jewish mood), but he wears this dusty cassock, he wears a skullcap on his head like a pious Jew or a bishop, and he denies himself _almost everything_ , because he has a higher purpose to deal with, and earthly pleasures get in the way.

And what does he have on his desk?

What does this one man, singular, apart from the rest of his city, apart from everyone, have on his desk? The novelty mug his clerk probably bought him several Hogswatches ago, not for any personal gain, not to suck up to him because he wanted more days off (if anything, Drumknott probably wants _fewer_ days off, and he doesn’t have any to start with), not because he wanted to gain something. Drumknott probably saw the mug while buying stationery, smiled, bought it, and Vetinari has used it ever since.

This singular man, lonely beyond measure, who thinks that the world is a torrent of death and horror and pain in motion, drinks out of a mug that calls him, wholeheartedly, without compunction, and probably (in Drumknott’s mind) quite logically, the World’s Greatest Boss. My point isn't anything about his particular relationship with Drumknott, just that like... That's such a sweet and sentimental thing to do, and it really reminds me of Death and the way HE "lives" his life with those little bits of sentiment. 

And, in his own words, the only comfort he gets from his life, of living his life this way, of dealing with all this, is that hopefully, there’s nothing at the end of it. “ _The only hope would be that there is no life after death_.” The _only_ hope.

Anyway, I’m pretty bummed about it hbu


End file.
